Travelling light a victim of avoidance saw the sun rise silvering coastal palms. Closing her eyes she drew in the light, illuminating the dark corners of her heart where lurked the bitterness of disappointment at being so let down. He had planned this trip with her, they had pored over maps and made reservations in the mundane dimension while her spirit danced in a dream of expectation.
She had known his feelings were not the same as hers but he had agreed to come with her, had even set tests of togetherness which she thought they had passed, time spent together at weekends and days and evenings, assessing their compatibility before confirming the trip, booking the tickets, telling her friends, even accepting his condition of celibacy – hard though she knew it would be following their many days and nights of intensity and passion but understanding, she thought then, his fear of commitment which he equated with sexual connection.
Her bitter regretting heart grew harder as the sun rose and dipped in the days and nights ongoing as she remembered all their moments, the picture of himself he had sent her signed Lover, the horoscopes he had referred her to, “…after a long period alone the time had come to be in a loving partnership again…”, the special connection between their zodiac animals.
She blamed him now, having at first tried to empathise and allow. But that time was enough and done, already! Why should she be so understanding in the face of being so very messed about even when the reason he gave for pulling out – just three days before they were to go – was to avoid messing her about?
“I just feel we’re going to fall out big-time” he had whined, adding “I don’t want to let you down. I want us to stay friends…”
Her memory disconsolately sauntered backwards over the months, from the moment she suggested going away together, to the moment he had finally agreed, saying, in that moment, he must be the luckiest man in the world that she, whom he had always thought unattainable, really wanted to spend that time with him, to the slow erosion of trust as he seemed to withdraw from her, calling her less often until not at all, until that final moment when he dropped his bombshell. She felt she had coped with that quite well, not letting him hear her distress at his tearful midnight phone call.
Could it have been helped? Could she have done anything to avoid the disaster which left her alone on a beach on a holiday made for two? Or had his mastery of avoidance led him inevitably to create situations for destruction of everything he had said he wanted from life, from a relationship, from her?
Wisdom crept by, bland sayings of smug detachment:
Everything is perfect
Its always for the best in the end
The most dangerous thing to believe is what you want to believe
To understand is to forgive
But she could not forgive. Each solitary sunset reminded her and she could not let go. Her anger took root, grew and flourished. Her resentment swelled. She began to feel hate.
Thank God for music! Thank Apple for Ipod! Don’t go wasting your emotions…Heartbreak hotel…All you need is Love…
What is the point, she wondered. What is the learning experience? How to cope with Masters of Avoidance? or how to avoid becoming a Victim of Avoidance? What help is there from all the wise ones who have gone before? or is it all total bullshit?
I read her long sad bitter angry email. I was on a beach too, watching the same sun setting. What could I tell her? Not much really. Just that sometimes, thank all the gods divine spirits of the tao, that our humanity, our human-ness, has to overwhelm all the clever wisdom and enlightened words, sometimes we just have to feel like shit, and then get over it. Acknowledge the hurt, feel the wound, see the scars and yes, indulge in some good old-fashioned cathartic hate.
Don’t deny it.
And watch out for Masters of Avoidance, lest you become one.
There will always be Love.
Let it be.